I have been procrastinating on cutting my hair for 7 months.
Getting a pixie cut three years ago made me feel incredibly confident. It was a change I had wanted for a long time – ever since Emma Watson (the personification of my hero Hermione) reinvented herself after Harry Potter. I was looking for reinvention after a shitty freshman year of college, and I found it in that pixie cut. I felt free from having to put my hair up every day, free from the toxic friendships that had marred that freshman year, free from my past selves, free to be out and open. I frequently refer to that first cut as the best decision I have ever made.
Since then there have been a couple of dorm-bathroom buzzcuts, a couple of salon visits to keep it professional but short, and one semester with a ‘man-bun’. Until this year.
In January I went to the salon to get rid of the man-bun and prepare for the slew of interviews that I was sure would be along shortly. I even got a trim in June, though this time at a barber shop where he decided to “leave it a little longer in the back, keep it feminine”. I think this is where things started to go wrong. I knew a couple months after this that I should have gone back to the salon, but I procrastinated and procrastinated. i was working two part time jobs and suddenly couldn’t spare the $40. I just kept not getting a haircut, and then I realized that at this point I was actively ‘growing out my hair’.
It is now January once again and I still have the mullet (thanks to that barber in June).My hair is long enough that it looks cute and I can put it in a pony-tail (plus side bangs). I like it how it looks right now, most of the time, especially when I have it up.
But I find myself constantly agonizing over how to move forward. Should I cut it short again? Or return to the bob I had in high school, even though I wore that in a ponytail every day and resented having to use conditioner? Was the liberation I felt with short hair limited to the queer casual spaces I inhabited in college? Am I willing to commit to the maintenance that having professional looking short hair requires? Am I having a gay life crisis, trying to hide myself behind my hair?
I don’t know why this feels so important to me, why I’m devoting so much time and ink and energy to debating what to move next. I hate that hair and presentation feels so important to me and I hate how much I know it impacts how I am viewed. I hate the weight that I’m placing on this next cut, as though I’m definitively choosing one path over another. I hate that I feel compelled to write these paragraphs. Short hair shouldn’t feel like such a statement.
For at least another few weeks I’ll let this mullet grow out more, putting it half-up in a bun for most of the day. We’ll see.